Addicted to Love
So the reading at Soft Skull went good...I have this Queen obsession that I no longer feel embarassed about, to the point where I'm shouting at audience members with Queen trivia. I asked a loaded trivia question: Which band has the record for single-act attendence on Earth? Answer: Queen (650,000). No opening act, babe. Just Queen.

posted by Daniel Nester at 10/2/2003 11:43:21 AM

Wednesday, October 01, 2003
Reading tonight
Last-minute gig for Soft Skull Sneak Peek series. Tonight, 7pm. I'm reading with the wunderba Jennifer Knox and Ben Greenman. Bowery Poetry Club. I'll probably go first. If you're around, come by -- it's my second gig in which I incorporate my guitar playing skills. Which recalls the below poem, an old one that in turn recalls another time in which I had to carry my axe on public transportation. I'll tell you, honestly, how the guitar stuff went.

I stood silently, a tribute to all the other wallflowers that attached themselves to the off-white walls of our gym.
Right now, however, the basketballs had disappeared. The volleyball nets bundled into the boys' locker rooms and soccer balls in a small heap by the gym office. Occasionally one would roll out of place, and a well-meaning chaperone would run in haste and quickly adjust the setting.

Pastel streamers hung around a skinny DJ with dark sunglasses and clothes around five sizes too large for him, blasting out music we'd never heard of. I'm sure he didn't care. He had that bored look on his face as he systematically changed CDs.

So I sat in the corner, hands clasped over my faded blue jeans, staring miserably at the floor.

SHE was dancing with HIM.

There are always moments in someone's lifetime when things are at their worst and seem to worsen at a gradual rate. I felt that this was one of them. I could feel everything crumbling, so I held myself together as tightly as I could.

By she, I mean my second-bestfriend. By him, I mean the boy that I had become obsessed with.

I'm not so sure that love would be the correct term. This was something more insane, and more desperate. With minimal emotion and maximum action, I sat behind him whenever possible in our classes and gracefully allowed him to dodge past me whenever we played soccer or hockey.

"For every pretty, popular girl, there has to be a plain, average friend."

She could have anyone. I'm not exaggerating when I say that. She could have anyone and she'd chosen the one that I adored. She knew. I had called her that night, bubbling with anticipation.

And now she had gone and taken that from me.

The song ended and the couples broke up. I stood and, gathering my courage, walked over to him. Tapping him on the shoulder, I asked if he'd like to dance.

He turned to look at her -- she was smiling at him so hard it could have drilled holes in his head -- and slowly turned back to me. Told me he was already dancing with someone. I bit my lip, smiled, and walked away.

+ + +

We had a busy week this week. My baby graduated from Pre School on thursday. I cried. Kept the other children home from school to go to it also. I think they enjoyed seeing E as much as she enjoyed having them there. Of course, since she is the center of the universe, I don't think she would have expected anything other than for her entire family to be there! It would have never occurred to her that we wouldn't be! Took three out of four children to the school carnival last night. (the other one went skating with friends, much more cool than hanging out with mom! LOL!) Would have been nice had I known about it more than an hour before it was scheduled to start! We started out with $20 worth of tickets. Each game cost 1 ticket. We pulled ducks out of a small pool, we threw a basketball into a hoop, we tossed rings onto soda bottles, we bounced in the big bouncy tent, we bought paint sticks with numbers on them and played a sort of roulette, we ate pizza, drank cokes and too much cotton candy. It was a great night for it, just a little windy. When we finally left, I stopped and got a mocha on our way to the local DQ for ice cream! It was a really loooong day. I started the morning out taking three of the four to school. Then the youngest and I decided to try and clean house and make some kind of sense out of the chaos we have been living in for weeks now. It didn't go as well as it should have! Although we did take advantage of the nice weather and get several loads of blankets, sheets and towels hung out on the line to dry. Got part of the kitchen floor scrubbed, and got a little cleaning done. Sorted out some winter clothes for storage and got the boys to put up their clean laundry. If I could just bring myself to clean the girls room, I might could get even more cleaned up downstairs by taking all their stuff down here, up there! I do not understand what kind of mental block I have going that is keeping me from even finishing one room. Our surroundings represent what is going on inside us, and judging by my surroundings, I am a MESS inside! I suppose it's the man thing. Total inner conflict. He doesn't seem to realize that when I am gone, I'll be gone. Everything will be done, over kaput. Or he does realize it and that's why he never says anything about it being done. He can't wait! I don't know. can't talk to him about squat. He just wont do it. Useless to try and have conversations, useless to try and express emotions, talk things out. Anything. Just useless. I think that things could return to normal with the other one. Whatever normal might be! I think that should the kids and I move back in, we could resume our somewhat normal life that we had before.
I made myself sick last weekend trying to make sure the kids had some type of "normal family" activities for the holiday weekend. I am sure it cost me somehow, I just haven't figured it out yet! Both he and him and me and the kids went to the pool. Then afterwards, he took them to the movies, just him, not me, not he, just the kids and him. There is no longer any Love chemistry between us.I just don't know how much longer I can do this and not wind up locked up somewhere completely crazy. Men and their toys, don't like to share, just show off, and always have to best the next guy who comes along. Oh well. I'll just keep trying to bring order to my external life and maybe, just maybe, my internal life will start organizing itself. Maybe.